Lovers and Fighters | Section 22

One of the aspects from the documentary that stood out to me is how men are 7x more likely to commit suicide than women. It is senseless how we have these statistics that prove our society is not raising boys to be well-rounded adults yet nothing changes. Outdated ideas of masculinity should not be more important than the wellbeing and safety of our children. Another thing that I noticed was how the boys would be kicked out of their friend groups if they were to break the rules. Kids should be allowed to play how they want and with who they want. Enforcing the idea that femininity is a bad thing encourages rape culture and pressures boys to repress their emotions and change ignore the things they enjoy. This puts far too much pressure on young men and forces them to bottle up things they should be letting out.

Something that stood out to me from Carlos Andres Gomez‘s book was how he reacted to men showing each other affection in Zambia. The fact that men holding hands as friends was weird and uncomfortable to him demonstrates how being caring and emotional are not values that our society encourages for men. The story and documentary have shown me that men are encouraged to rid themselves of what makes them human, but in doing so they are repressing feelings that need to be let out which is leading to an excess of violence and mental illness in our society.

One of the things that jumped out to me in this documentary was the fact that men can get bullied just for showing any small emotion. Showing a facet of your real self that isn’t seen as manly can mean years of name-calling and bullying, especially in school. Something as small as playing with girls could mean rejection by boys because males are only supposed to play with other males. Even if this is in primary school, done between little kids, it shows a lot about the society we live in and the brainwashing people receive starting at an extremely small age about masculinity. Another thing in this movie that surprised me was the number of men that commit suicide. When someone gets help from suicide prevention, it is almost always a girl. Why? Because men are taught to keep their emotions in and not go and get help, from fear of getting bullied and seen as feminine. Unlike females, men become more aggressive and violent when depressed. Instead of taking this as a sign of depression, society just thinks the boy is a troublemaker and a bad kid. Because of this, depression is overseen and only 30% of boys try to get help. This causes a much higher rate of suicide in men than women, which surprises me.

In the book from Carlos Andres Gomez, the thing that caught my attention was how when he traveled to Zambia, two straight men were perfectly comfortable holding hands in public, without getting weird looks and being seen as gay. This is a big contrast to the way men had to act in the documentary in the US, where men distance each other and don’t show feelings to not look gay. This makes me think that the United States viewpoint on the way a man should be is much less advanced than in other countries such as Zambia in this case.

The documentary presented the gender norms and the need to fit in the box of “masculinity”. These two things at first sight don’t look to troublesome but by watching the documentary I was able to see the harmful way boys are raised. To me the idea of not letting the children do what they like or be who they are is quite horrible. The denial and constant disapproval of emotions such as fear, care, sadness leaves young buys with no room to breathe. It pushes them change who they are for this “persona” of the strong and happy guy, leaving behind what truly mattered to them.

The other thing that stuck out to me was the consequences of a high number of young men affected by depression and sadness. From the numbers we got, it was clear that ADHD, suspension and dropping school were significantly more likely to happen to boys than girls. It looks to me like they are sick, and yet society completely ignores this and continues to follow old ideas about what a man is.

In the book by Carlos Andres Gomez, the seeking of affection and connection between men is one of the main topics of the story. By watching the documentary, I think I am better able to understand what Carlos was going through. The Mask You Live In talked about the loss of connection that affects men and how the feeling of loneliness and sadness surrounds them. Because of this, men struggle to build deep relationships with family, friends, etc. 

“I can’t be myself,” is the phrase I hear most often when I watch this film. The film gave me the most significant feeling is that I found around the boyfriend also has the same trouble. He grew long hair but was often mistaken for a woman, which made him uncomfortable. Some common words often affect their brains and thoughts. They will start to think. Boys should not cry; boys should not feel afraid; boys should become active and productive, to bring happiness to the family. I can feel that this is not what they think, and society’s perception of men affects everyone. They often don’t feel who they are, and they can’t be themselves because they’re male.

Another point is that the slightest act of intimacy on the part of a boy is considered gay. For some men, being gay can have negative consequences. When they are mistaken for gay men, their first reaction is helplessness and dislike the word ‘gay.’ And the girl, I have a very good girlfriend, go to the toilet together, go to school together, hold hands and hug. We were also misunderstood as lesbian, but we were not uncomfortable with it, and we treated it as a joke, and it didn’t affect us at all. Genetic differences also influence behavior and thinking. So I think there are small differences between boys and girls at birth. But it shouldn’t be as deformed as it is.

In the book that Carlos Andres Gomez wrote that he often wanted to express his love for his family and friends, but he did not know how to express his true feelings. He was very disappointed. Because he often disguises his real thoughts, he does not know how to express them. This phenomenon, I also see from the film. Many men don’t know how to express themselves. They hide their feelings and weaknesses because “real men” don’t show weaknesses. This is not the kind of freedom that is advocated in today’s society, the views of the community always influence them, and that strikes me as deplorable.

The 2 aspects that really jumped out to from this documentary was the emotions that boys would hold in and the fact that they would get bullied based on their masculinity. They talked about how the would get judged if they show any sort of emotions when something would bother them because showing them would make themselves seem weak. In our society, boys are shown to be strong, be a “man” and emotionless, but it is proven that 90% of man experience pain. One of the boys in the documentary explained that he would cry himself to sleep since he had no one to talk to. He nearly killed himself and the only way to deal with his depression was with drugs. I honestly think it’s not fair as a female because it isn’t easy to hold in all the emotions and boys shouldn’t struggle with that feeling. The fact that they would get bullied is just unacceptable because the “victim” won’t be able to do anything about it but just “man up” and use violence to solve their problems.

In the book that Carlos Andres Gomez wrote that caught my attention was when he was trying to be with this girl he met to figure out his sexuality. I didn’t think that was a good idea because she also have feelings like another human. But what I liked about her is that she mentioned it and noticed that he wasn’t really into her. I feel like for us girls it’s easy to noticed those type of things because some guys just want you for different reasons, in my experience. They talked about it and the started to build a relationship to see how things would be which I find very interesting.

The documentary shows different aspects of masculinity, how boys became men and how it changed their lives. It’s hard to watch the video a bit because I can feel their pain through their manly voice. We can’t even see who get bullied in middle school. The researchers said that 1 of 4 boys get bullied in school and 30% notify by adults. It is such a shame because some adults doesn’t even intervene and they think it’s the way to make them a man. Also, some boys wants to play with girls that is one of the reasons they get bullied because boys should “only” play with boys. Furthermore, 99% boys plays video games. They play video games because it is for men, they said. Violence is more likely to define how to be a man. It’s just disappointing to say that masculinity needs violence which is in fact it isn’t. Thirdly, sex violence is scary especially for women. Every 9 seconds, women get sexual assaulted by men. They think that it’s normal because of what they’ve seen online wanted or unwanted, maybe influenced by friends. But it’s actually unmanly, true men knows the true value of a woman.

In Carlos Andres Gomez book, a part that got my attention was when he wants to show affection to his family and friends but he’s tired of not being able to express his true feelings rather hide it and he’s disappointed about it. The documentary helped me understand that men are just only tough on the outside but they have feelings and emotions too that they cannot express because “true” men don’t show any weaknesses. They do manly things in order to be masculine. No matter how tough they are, they feel pain, sadness and even fear.

” I’m tired of not being able to show affection to my brothers and friends. I’m tired of feeling like I have to hide my emotion and my sensitivity.”

While watching this documentary, a couple of things stood out. The first was how young boys are when bullying could start. The boy Ronan in particular had his bullying start at age 6. If you’re being harassed from such a young age about how you’re too “weak” or a “sissy” of course you’ll want to change and shut every emotion down. Using verbal or physical abuse is enough for someone to submit to the stereotype in order to no longer be harassed. A second thing was that any sign of male intimacy, even friendship, would be perceived as gay. This leads to a negative association of the word gay and the actions that boys and men will make. As a girl I hug my friends all the time and have no issues with it. Human beings crave that kind of feeling even if it’s in a total platonic way. It’s strange to think that boys are “not allowed” to hold their friend’s hand or hug them without feeling some kind of weakness or have them feel threatened.

This better helped me understand the part of Carlos Gomez’s book where he visited Zambia. While he was there, he saw men showing signs of physical platonic intimacy and no one had anything negative to say. This shows that America’s view on male “weakness” is very different from other countries’. This must have been a turning point in the man’s life as well cause he saw this behaviour in a nice way versus the negative way he had previously seen it in. Supporting your friends and letting them see your emotions is never a weak or negative thing. Being vulnerable and intimate is actually one of the braver things we as human beings can do!

While watching the documentary, what struck out at me was how boys/men must stay in line with the various aspects involving masculinity. From playing sports to not being aloud to cry, it is interesting to see how men are expected to be or act a certain way, a “man box”. The way men must keep their emotions and pain secret simply became more obvious to me. This caught my attention because I had never pictured the problem from this perspective. What also interested me was how any boys’ role model can have a significant impact on young kids. For example, a soccer coach can often become a second father to many aspiring boys and their influence can help create a sense of community among the team. When this idea was brought up, I couldn’t help but think about the negative influence that rappers specifically, can have on a young boy’s life and his perceptions. 

    Watching this documentary helped me better understand Carlos’s perception of masculinity and his way of expressing it. Thinking back to when Carlos experienced the differences of Zambia, I can understand why he felt free. Free from the non-written rules that keep a man masculine enough, free from the feminine stigmas that float around in society passed down to us by our parents. Most importantly, I think Carlos felt free from the “man box” as discussed in the documentary. After watching the documentary, I cannot help but understand all the experiences and feelings described by Carlos in his book. In Zambia, all the masculinity issues discussed in the documentary seem to have vanished, it is the land where masculinity has never been so genuine.

there is a sentence  that always occurs to my mind whenever I hear or see a person doing a bad thing to another person or to himself , and that is there is no smoke without fire.

when I think of how Abused and neglected children are 9 times more likely to be involved in crime ,I wasn’t surprised that much when I knew that 1 in 6 boys is sexually abused.Or how is 90%of homicide perpetrators are male and over half of all boys are physically abused .I  started to connect all the dots,if they can’t cry,can’t express there feelings nor show their weakness to others and at the same time they have a lot of pressure to become this ideal version of a man in this society ,they will eventually have to let all these bad feelings go in some sort of a way,so they tend to be aggressive they use curse words they scream they fight they bully they might even kill themselves or others.

All these prisoners that where in the documentary they witnessed abuse in so many awful ways it  gave me chills and so much emotions just by hearing there stories and knowing how they ended up there.

The truth is,only when we move away from what we’ve subconsciously learned can we ever truly find and know who we are.

Carlos words basically shows the struggle of everything he had taught about masculinity and what pressure has society put over him,and how much he was tired of hiding his emotions and sensitivity and  how tired he was of being stigmatized for wanting to communicate and express himself.The documentry helped me understand his struggles by showing me how man are forced to bury all their emotions and fears because they will get bullied on .How they always have to be strong tough powerful to create this ideal man to satisfy the society.and unfortunately how bad it’s affecting them and the world. 

Carine Saiori 

While watching the documentary, there are two things that shocked me.For example, the documentary explored the relationship between masculinity and athletics. Excelling at and having an interest in sports is often assumed to be the default position of being a man in America. Many men, from the day they are born, are given baseballs and basketballs and the expectation of athleticism. I liked when Joe talks about the commonly accepted myth that sports builds character. He says that, “In a win-at-all-costs culture, it’s strictly about winning at the expense of character development.” Ehrmann made it clear that sports cannot teach character unless the coach is intentionally teaching and implementing it every day. Ehrmann teaches his boys empathy and integrity. He wants them to become men who will be responsible and change the world. I think that that’s what coaching should be about, but today, many coaches police their teams in unhealthy ways. Another example in the documentary is when Steven and his  son, Jackson. Steven really stepped up when he told Jackson’s mother that he would raise him on his own if she didn’t want to. Steven showed how he had to struggle with letting down his guard in order to express compassion and intimacy. These were things he was never shown by his own father. He had to break down his own barriers after Jackson said, “Daddy, I’m sensitive.” Steven then went on to research how to be “sensitive” in order to have a better relationship with his son.

In the Carlos Andres Gomez text, Carlos said that in the US, if you see two guys holding hands, it is considered gay. When he went to Zambia, holding hands is completly normal and is not considered to be gay. In two different countries, the same action could mean two different things. I think a lot of guys don’t open up on their sexuality because most of them get bullied as seen in the documentary.