To study male to male close friendships I have interviewed two men in my life about their best friend. Just to clarify the text, the names of the “friends” won’t be mentioned but Alex and Mike are not talking about each other, they are taking about two different people.
The first one is Alex, 21 years old and openly bisexual. Alex is one of my very close friends and I have known him for many years, I am interviewing him about his friend that currently lives on his couch. When I asked Alex why is he close to his friend he answered “Because we grew up together and we know each other, therefore we don’t judge each other. Even though we don’t like the same things we respect and don’t judge each other.” Right from the start we see that respect is a very important characteristic that Alex looks for in a friend and the fact that he mentioned the word “judge” twice leads me to think that he may have been judged a fair amount throughout his childhood and he only kept contact with the only friend that didn’t judge him for his interests. (After a discussion with Alex my assumption turns out to be true). I can relate this first reaction to a big portion of the text “No Man Is an Island: Men in Relationships” by Christopher Kilmartin and Andrew P. Smiler. In a big part of that chapter they discuss how the characteristics that men look for in a friend are trustworthiness and respect, they want to be able to share their fears, desires, hopes and dreams without being judged.
Let’s compare Alex’s answer to my second interview with Alex’s roommate, Mike. Mike is 27 years old and he is heterosexual. (Sexuality is important for the second part of my interview) When asked the same question Mike answered differently : “Because we have the same mind, we have some of the same interests but it is mainly because we agree on the same politics about life and we have the same opinions about most things” I asked Mike if not being judged and being respected are important aspects of his friendship and he told me that with the years he has come to realize that no one will respect you forever and no friendships last a lifetime so he just goes with the vibe of the person. It saddens me a bit to see how two people that grew up in relatively the same society have such different views on life and friendships but this makes a very good comparison with a part of the text mentioned above. They say that men that experience less emotional relationships with other men, or have less personal connection in their friendships are generally more depressed and lonely. Mike could be a great example.
When asked what kind of thing they like to do with their (respective) friends both Mike and Alex had similar answers : “Hang out, play music, play video games, go out and find something fun to do such as see a show or go to a rave” But at this point in the conversation Alex told me I’m becoming annoying with my questions because they seemed too personal.
When I asked Mike my last question: “Have you ever told your friend how much he means to you (or vice versa)? How did it go” Mike was very open about it and he told me how at one point of his life he was feeling really down because he had just broken up with his ex girlfriend and his friend was also going thought a tough patch and they had a long talk and tried to help each other and be there for each other emotionally. And they let each other know they weren’t alone in this. I think that this is a very touching thing to hear especially coming from a man that previously said he doesn’t really trust anyone. It shows that even though he is a bit closed up he still realizes his need for affection and he accepts the help when it is offered.
Alex on the other hand was very annoyed with my personal questions and when I asked him the same question he answered that it was too long ago and that he didn’t remember. I also asked him if he was under influence when they had their deep talk and he answered: “I told you I don’t remember”. The thing that I know about Alex and his best friend is that his best friend was the first to know about Alex’s sexuality. He is also the first man that Alex has had a homoerotic experience with. This is the reason (again, confirmed by Alex) that it is difficult for his friend to express the emotional connection he has for Alex because, as mentioned in the text, there might be a fear to be perceived as homosexual when he isn’t.
To conclude, something very interesting that I have found with my two interviews is that some of the behaviours and answered correlate perfectly with the behaviours mentioned in Kimmel’s study, but some are completely opposite. Like the fact that mike wanted to keep talking about his friend and he was very comfortable expressing his emotional relationship with his friend even though he has led a more strict and gendered masculinity in his life. When on the other hand Alex, who has had very emotional connections with his friends and is even openly bisexual, does not want to express these feelings out loud. This only shows us that even though we study men in a very generalized setting, there is much we don’t know or understand about the human psychology and everyone goes through their own challenges that shape them into the person they are.
Lovers and Fighters | Section 22 